On Pasts and Presents
by Gillingham
Summary: Continues 'Her Eyes Opened'. Brandon and Marianne are engaged now, eagerly waiting for the time when they can start a life together as a married couple.
1. Chapter 1

On Pasts and Presents: Chapter 1

"They play so well together, don't you think?" Mrs Jennings whispered to Mrs Dashwood at a less than discreet volume. Brandon and Marianne exchanged a much more discreet look upon hearing this despite being the very people at the pianoforte, sitting closest to the sweet melodies they were producing together. They saw Mrs Dashwood return a polite and subtle nod of agreement to Mrs Jennings. She wasn't wrong, after all. The couple had been engaged now for a month and had taken to entertaining the troops (as Mrs Dashwood had heard Elinor once refer to the usual gathering of friends at Barton Park) by playing a new duet on the pianoforte from time to time. Or sometimes Marianne would sing and Colonel Brandon would accompany her.

There was no denying that their playing and her singing was delightful entertainment in its own right, but Mrs Dashwood suspected that she was not the only person in their little party to keep just as close and sympathetic eye on how the couple interacted with each other. Now that Brandon's lengthy courting had reached the desired outcome of him, first of all, returning back to England safely and then proposing to Marianne, most of the awkwardness and uncertainty in their manner towards one another had disappeared. Brandon visited Barton Cottage often, or if the group gathered at Barton Park, he would be there too. Marianne visited her sister Elinor at the parsonage often and where Marianne was, there Brandon, too, was a frequent visitor.

In all fairness, Mrs Dashwood thought, Colonel Brandon had already had everyone over at Delaford twice and the Dashwoods were going for a whole weekend in a few days. The Colonel had promised more riding lessons for Margaret and also for Marianne. Delaford was a lovely estate and Mrs Dashwood felt blessed that Marianne would, no doubt about it now, be its mistress. The sisters would be near each other and Elinor would always have someone in a good position to turn to if there were ever any problems. She would wish and hope for the best for Margaret now, but on the whole, having two daughters out of three find a happy marriage like this was already more than she had dared hope at one point.

Behind the pianoforte, hidden from the eyes of the group of friends listening to their playing, a hand would brush against another, hips and thighs would lean against another and movements synchronized by the music played were strengthening the bond Marianne and Brandon had formed. Their engagement was not to be an exceedingly long one, but Brandon for one felt like every minute of it was ten times as long. All he wanted now was to make his vows to her and take her home with him. Marianne had cared and looked after him as much as was possible since his return, taking her turn in reading to him or taking long slow walks at Barton Park or where ever they had been able to meet.

Since announcing their engagement the chaperoning had relaxed a little, but it was not like they had many chances to be properly alone for any length of time. On those rare occasions Brandon found he would reach for her hand and she would for his and if there was a chance he would pull her close to him and hold her in his embrace. There may even have been a stolen kiss or two. Playing the piano like this, together, was of course something they both enjoyed. They would do it if they were on their own, Brandon was certain of that, but it also extended their opportunities for physical closeness when discretion was necessary.

How aware Marianne was of it, Brandon was not entirely sure. She was still so very innocent in many ways. For Brandon, however, her scent alone was enough to raise his heartbeat and to be close enough to feel her warmth against him, her thigh brushing alongside his, her arm against his side – each new occasion seemed to increase the intensity of his longing for her. Thank goodness Mrs Dashwood and Mrs Jennings were already working on the wedding arrangements. Brandon didn't know how he would be able to hold himself together with all this anticipation if the reward was not in sight now.

There was, however, one more issue that worried the good Colonel: Young Beth Williams and her toddler. Brandon was, rationally, aware that Marianne knew all the relevant details, including his own history with Beth's mother, but he could not help feeling a little worried about these connections becoming a more immediate reality to Marianne when they married. He did not wish for her to feel any doubts or insecurities when it came to his feelings towards her. Yet there was a small chance that coming across Beth and her child at one of the farms in his estate would bring back sad memories for her regarding that Willoughby, not to mention bring up his own history with Beth's mother. He would somehow have to talk all this through with Marianne before their wedding. Their married life really should start without any questions or unspoken issues. Perhaps this coming weekend, when the Dashwoods would come to Delaford?


	2. Chapter 2

On Pasts and Presents: Chapter 2

When Brandon arrived at Barton Cottage the following Friday to collect the Dashwood ladies, he did not simply show up with a carriage but with one of his mares in tow, ready saddled for a lady.

"I hope you're prepared to ride to Delaford, Captain Margaret?" he asked the young lady who was, by now, obviously not so much of a tomboy anymore but still enjoyed the fun moniker given to her by Edward and which Colonel Brandon had started to use, too. Margaret was extremely excited: this was a good four mile ride all for her and on a real road, too, not just on soft fields. He'd picked a carriage that would allow him to steer and Marianne and Mrs Dashwood would still have comfortable room on the bench beside him. How he simply longed to have Marianne alone to himself, but there was no way around this: they would not set people talking by going off on carriage rides on their own. Not after last time. Marianne in particular was extremely aware of how her behaviour with Willoughby had set tongues wagging and brought not an insignificant amount of disgrace upon her family.

On their way to Delaford Margaret beamed with happiness on her horse, trotting gently on the soft verge. In the carriage, Brandon first thought he was in luck when Marianne took her place right beside him, leaving her mother on the other end of the bench saying something about the arm rest and handle in case her mother felt like holding on to something. Soon Brandon realized, however, that Mrs Dashwood had orchestrated the whole thing by starting to worry about holding on to something in good time before Marianne had had a chance to try and make these manoeuvres. The whole image of the two ladies independently trying to discreetly arrange the same outcome made Brandon smile. Any bend on the road or a bumpy stretch of it worked as sufficient excuse for him to extend his arm around Marianne's shoulder to give her support while her mother was perfectly fine on the side holding on to the arm rest. Any bend on the road or a bumpy stretch of it also worked as sufficient excuse for Marianne to grab hold of Brandon's arm (or leg, as it happened on one occasion) for support.

Yet the thought of the conversation he would have to have with Marianne cast a slight shadow over his joy for having his bride with him at Delaford this weekend. He had decided to approach the topic quite soon, then see if Marianne would be willing to meet Beth with him. He wanted Marianne and Beth to meet so they would know each other before they would bump into each other at the village or at his estate. It would not do for the women to come by each other by surprise before they knew where they stood with each other.

The Visitors to Delaford settled in their rooms as soon as they arrived, and soon regrouped downstairs in dining room where lunch was served. The ladies all thanked their host for having them around and praised their accommodations. It certainly looked like the good Colonel had given them the largest and loveliest guest rooms at his estate. Though conversation flowed easily between them, mostly on the topic of Delaford and what it contained, Marianne could feel Brandon's tension. It was such a long time since she'd felt it last it took her a while to recognize it as such. First she thought he was, perhaps, just a little tired or otherwise preoccupied, but after some time she was certain of it: something was troubling him.

"My dear Colonel, would you care to accompany me to a little walk in your garden? After such magnificent lunch I feel like stretching my legs a little." Marianne suggested. Whatever it was eating him, she would not let it fester for one moment. Last time they had both held back and suffered in silence. That would not happen again.

"I apologize," Brandon startled, looking at the other two guests as well with some alarm obvious on his face. "Was the lunch too heavy going?" Being a suave host was not one of Brandon's fortes, and he was now worried he may have over done it by requesting from his staff that his guests this weekend should be dined and treated like royalty.

"Oh, no – not at all, Colonel. It was beautiful and I enjoyed it thoroughly. I simply thought that after the ride and eating so well we might take advantage of the lovely weather today and have a little stroll in the garden," Marianne quickly reassured her fiancé. Mrs Dashwood and Margaret also made noises to similar effect and before long the group were indeed in the garden.

Mrs Dashwood decided she did not care for a stroll after all and would simply admire the view from a bench in the garden for a bit – and so would Margaret. The youngest of the Dashwood girls had by now learned to listen to the subtext in statements like that and, regardless of actually wishing to join Marianne and the Colonel for a stroll, said she would join her mother this time.

Marianne took Brandon's arm and they started to walk away from Mrs Dashwood and Margaret.

"What is troubling you, dearest?" Marianne asked as soon as she was certain they were no longer within earshot. Brandon let out a little nervous laugh.

"You read me so well, Marianne," he said in admission of something troubling him. His eyes were trained to the ground immediately before them, but he out his free hand over Marianne's in the crook of his other arm and pulled her a little closer to him.

"I think we need to talk about something that has, I'm afraid, a bit to do with my past and a such may have a bearing on the future we will have together."

Marianne said nothing. This sounded very important and serious. Had he not told her something that was this significant?

"What do you mean?" she asked. Brandon sighed. His whole demeanour reflected some sort of sadness and worry.

"You know about Eliza Williams and her daughter Beth. I've told you about them," Brandon started.

"Yes, we have talked about Eliza and Beth and Beth's involvement with Mr Willoughby," Marianne encouraged him. She could not guess where this was going.

"You also know that I'm still providing care and…protection to Beth and her child. A little boy." Marianne simply nodded.

"I'm not sure if I've made it entirely clear that the farm where they are staying is one of the Delaford farms. It's just a couple of miles from the house here," he explained, rushing the words out. If Marianne was going to be upset by this he had better get this done with and get his ears clipped, so to speak, straight away.

Btu no such reaction seemed to come. He gingerly turned to look at Marianne whose expression seemed to be one of expecting further explanation.

"And?" she asked. Brandon couldn't think of what to say: he'd been quite certain Marianne would not be pleased to hear that Beth was so near to Delaford. So near to the place that was to be her home when they finally married in the spring.

"Oh, well… I thought, perhaps, that you should know that now before you might meet her by chance here sometime." Brandon was more or less muttering by now. Marianne said nothing first, but suddenly it dawned on her what had been troubling her.

"Christopher, did you think I would be upset by this?" They stopped walking and Marianne pulled Brandon by his arm so he had to face her. Christopher's slightly uncomfortable face told her the answer.

Marianne suddenly didn't quite know what to say. No, she was not upset by this, but she did realise she had not really given Beth's location much thought. How would it feel to see her suddenly? To see her and know that her mother was her Christopher's first love? To see her and her child and see Willoughby in the boy? How could she have not thought about it before and asked Brandon about this?


	3. Chapter 3

On Pasts and Presents: Chapter 3

"Oh dearest," Marianne started, putting her hand onto Brandon's arm to reassure him while she sought for the right words. This was important to him, she already knew that much. The man had not left a stone unturned until he had found her when she had gone missing. Brandon said nothing, trying to remember to breathe as he waited for Marianne to carry on. She took a deep breath, clearly organising her words in her mind before speaking them.

"I would never, ever ask you to stop caring for people. Especially Beth. Not after everything that happened with her mother and with her. Not after the way she was treated by that irresponsible, childish man." Marianne kept her eyes intently on his to make sure he understood how deeply she meant what she was saying. His shoulders relaxed a little and he nodded. He understood what she was saying. However, he could feel the "but" coming up.

"What I cannot promise you, my love, is how I will feel if I should meet Beth and her child by surprise. I know I will not feel any resentment or reserve towards her as such, but until I see and meet her and the boy I have no way of imagining what will happen. Willoughby hurt me so deep. The wounds are healed, I'm certain, but memories of the hurt may crop up. I don't know." Marianne continued.

Brandon felt his chest tighten: he never wanted Marianne to feel that hurt of betrayal again and what would it be like if Beth and her child brought that back any time the two women saw each other? And if Beth stayed on the farm where she was now, the women were more than likely to come across each other. He took hold of both her arms with his.

"Marianne love, I don't want you be reminded of that…" he started. He was getting a little agitated now.

"Christopher, Christopher!" Marianne commanded his attention again. She hadn't finished.

"Christopher, please, don't worry about that. What happened to me with Willoughby is completely in the past and it will not do to dwell on that pain or to fear it. The most that can happen is that some less than pleasant memories come back and I'll have to keep myself calm. But if I cannot quite control myself, I want you to understand that it's not because of Beth. It's just a memory of someone I used to know. A memory of something I am so happy to have put behind me. And you'll be with me and I will soon remember that God was not so cruel as to offer me one foolish crush in this life, but allowed me to acquaint myself with you. When I see Beth I will not think of her mother as someone you loved first and would have preferred over me. Everything that has happened to you, everything you have done have made you the man I love now. I do not wish any of that to go away."

It was a lot to say and Marianne was not quite sure if she was making sense. Brandon took a deep breath. Marianne was clearly emotional, but so collected and brave he could not but, once again, admire her for her strength.

"I also hope you never have to fear that I would think of Willoughby as the chance that got away. What I fool I was then, but I am so grateful to be allowed to learn true love with you," she said.

"No, I know well in my heart that there are no restrictions or reservations between us, Marianne. I know your love and feel it every time we're together. And likewise, I've learned to understand that where we are now with each other is part of a journey which has, unfortunately, included some hurt and setbacks." Brandon then replied in a soft tone, his eyes full of gentle love, his hand rising to softly caress her cheek.

The agitation of the emotional discourse started to wear off and the couple could smile at each other.

"Openly and honestly, I do so like it that we can talk like this," he said. He had spent days fretting over this one possible frustration, fearing that he might have to move Beth somewhere else.

"Would it be possible to meet Beth soon, do you think?" Marianne then asked. Brandon simply looked at her in astonishment: of course his Marianne would meet the issue head on. Brandon smiled with great relief and leaned his forehead against hers.  
"You really are a wonderful woman, Marianne," he said in near whisper. Marianne chuckled lightly at his reaction.

"I mean it. If you had these worries about the situation, I can only imagine what Beth must be thinking right now," Marianne emphasized.

Brandon lifted his head and his eyes found Marianne's again. Of course, how positively idiotic of him not to see how Beth was right at the other end of this continuum.  
"You're quite right. And I'm an idiot," he said, reprimanding himself. Marianne smiled and in turn caressed his cheek.

"Of course our engagement means that Beth would start to wonder about her situation. She doesn't know you and I haven't exactly talked to her about any of this yet. I've been to see her and the boy as usual and she offered me, us, her congratulations but that was all that was said about anything."

"In that case, the sooner we see her the better, don't you think?" Marianne suggested. Brandon nodded. Marianne was right: it was all well and good for Marianne to ease his mind about this, but he had ignored Beth's feelings in all this and he did not want her to hurt or agonise over his marriage.

"Will you promise me one thing?" Brandon then asked Marianne. She kept her eyes on his and lifted her eyebrows in response, wanting him to go on.

"Please, never hide how you feel about things. If seeing Beth or her boy bring up bad memories, or doubts or anything, you must promise you will tell me straight away. Will you do that?" he pleaded. Marianne nodded.  
"I promise. But I also want to promise you that when I said I would marry you I already made a commitment to be at your side in all matters. Looking after Beth is important to you, and Beth has been through enough trouble as it is. It must not be because of me that her situation changes. For better yes, but she must not feel that you care less for her because suddenly you'll be married. I will tell you if I am unhappy about anything, but we will find a solution that works for us all. My emotions are not something that need to be tip-toed around."

Brandon nodded. He understood. She supported him where it mattered like he would support her. They would encounter all that life had in store for them in an unbreakable partnership like none other. The feeling was almost overwhelming: trust like this was such a rarity.


	4. Chapter 4

On Pasts and Presents: Chapter 4

Later in the day, Delaford received two more visitors: Elinor and Edward arrived for tea. The party were chatting over any plans they had for the next day or two at Delaford and Brandon thought there was no point in keeping this group of friends – no, they would be his family! – in the dark over the whole Beth issue.

"If you don't mind, Mrs Dashwood, I would like to take Marianne to meet Beth Williams tomorrow," Brandon proposed to Mrs Dashwood. Sensitive to such matters and having thought of the very equation already herself, Mrs Daswhood was quite quick on the uptake.

"I think that is an excellent idea, my dear Colonel. It is high time Marianne and Beth became acquainted," she said, turning her eyes at Marianne.

"Does she live far from here?" Elinor asked. Brandon opened his mouth to answer but Ferrars was a little faster.

"She's at the Framlington Farm, just a short distance," Edward offered, then noticed everyone looking at him, clearly wondering how he knew.

"Oh, I just visited the farm the other day. Nothing specific but I want to try and keep in touch with everyone. Saw Beth as well."

"How was she?" Brandon could not help but ask. He did visit regularly, but was aware that he might not be privy to the girls most private thoughts and honest state of mind. Not after she had disappeared on him that time. He had tried to assure her that she should not carry such shame on her forever, he had forgiven her the momentary lack of judgement she had shown, but Beth seemed to have turn more inward ever since and did not open up to him – or Mrs Framlington for that matter – so easily anymore.

"On the whole I think she was fine, but perhaps a little reserved," Edward said.

Of course Edward would have made a point of knowing people in his parish. And everyone understood straight away that he would never make a point of talking about whom he'd seen or what they'd talked about. It was quite clear that what Edward had just said about Beth was as much as they were going to get out of him as well. Albeit not Catholic, Edward believed strongly in an extra dose of confidence and privacy when it came to the relationship between a clergyman and his parish. What he had said, Edward reckoned, was no more than anyone visiting Beth would have been able to observe.

After tea Marianne and Elinor sat together while the men went to Brandon's library.

"The Colonel was very concerned that I might not approve of Beth being so near to this house," Marianne confided in her sister. Elinor thought about this for a moment.

"Yes, I can see how he would think of that."

"I told him that of course I will never want him to care less for his ward for any reason, but he was still worried that I would be upset." Marianne briefly explained.

"Will you be upset?" Elinor asked. Marianne had been thinking about this ever since her talk with Brandon.

"I still don't know. That's why I suggested to him that we should go see Beth. Whatever I feel, we must all understand that it's not Beth's fault and she must never feel like she has to pay for Willoughby's actions. Not in our eyes."

"Oh Marianne. You've grown up so much since all that happened," Elinor whispered, grasping her sister's hand. Marianne laughed.

"I know, I know. Who would have thought I'd ever understand that my emotions and how I act upon them need not be the same thing."

Before Elinor could say anything else, Marianne continued:

"It's all Colonel Brandon, Elinor. Since I've come to know him as well as I do now, I can see – as with you – that acting on every impulse is not the same as honesty. We have an agreement, the Colonel and I, that we are always open and honest with each other. I know I can tell him openly if I am upset or do not agree with something, and then we can talk and work it out. And he does the same with me."

Elinor took a moment to look at Marianne as she talked. If there was a couple more in love and in tune with each other than Marianne and the Colonel, Elinor would not believe it. She recognized so much of the same intimacy of souls she and Edward shared and it truly was a blessing.

"I cannot tell you how happy I am for you. Both you and the Colonel. I don't think you need to worry too much about meeting Beth. It sounds to me you have thought about the situation quite sensibly already. " Elinor was confident that Marianne had prepared herself right. Of course there was a chance of awkwardness, but Elinor really had little doubt that Marianne would not rise to the occasion and find common ground with Beth.

Oh how Marianne hoped Elinor was right! She so wanted to be brave and level headed with all this, but she had to accept her own nature: she was still prone to strong emotional responses to things. She wanted to make Christopher proud. To make him see with no hesitation that she supported him and wanted him to keep caring for Beth. They would see tomorrow.


	5. Chapter 5

On Pasts and Presents: Chapter 5

On the ride to Framlington Farm both Marianne and Brandon were first quiet and deep in their thoughts. After their talk yesterday, Brandon was not too worried about Marianne. Even less so after he had also had a private word with Elinor. Elinor had reassured him even further, telling him how she could tell that Marianne had her priorities in order. He doubted if Elinor had any idea how good she had made him feel when she had also told him that in Marianne's heart his concerns were her concerns as well and that Beth's well being was Marianne's priority.

Earlier his prime concern had been Marianne, but of course she would have the wisdom of heart to immediately see how Beth would be affected as well. He did not know it, but sitting next to him Marianne was thinking about Beth as well. She had no prospects now at all: no family and a child out of wedlock. If it hadn't been for Christopher Brandon her baby would have been taken away from her and she would be in some poor house somewhere doing Gold only knows what.

The farm was the only home she had ever known and to have to worry that she might have to be sent somewhere else so that her connection with that Willoughby would not make the new mistress of Delaford feel awkward must have been an awful worry to carry. Marianne sighed as her resolve grew stronger: Beth would not have to leave her home or worry about losing her child. Ever.

Brandon heard her sigh and turned to look at her. As their eyes met, no words were necessary but Brandon simply gripped the reins in one hand, pulling his glove off with his teeth and reaching for Marianne's hand. She held his hand firmly in return and the small smile they exchanged told them all they needed to say in that moment: it would all be well and they would take care of everything together.

Beth and Mrs Framlington had been notified about the visitors already the day before so Beth was not in the middle of her chores when Brandon and Marianne arrived. Instead, the visitors were welcomed with cups of tea in the front room. Mrs Framlington excused herself, saying she was going to check on Beth's boy, John, who should be waking from his nap soon.

"It is lovely to finally meet you, Miss Williams," Marianne opened the conversation after a moment of awkward silence where no one quite knew what to do after the customary introductions.

"Likewise, Miss Dashwood. I have heard much about you and must admit, I have been rather curious if I would have the opportunity to meet you," Beth replied.

"Have you been well, Beth?" Brandon enquired. Ferrars had said Beth had seemed a little withdrawn had been nagging at him since the previous afternoon. Beth gave them a small smile:

"Yes, Colonel, I have been well. And John is as well," Beth answered, and her face lit up at the thought of her young son and she continued:

"Oh, Johnny's just started to learn to ride on the lovely pony you brought over."

The Colonel smiled. Just because the boy had been born to unfortunate conditions did not mean that he was condemned to an unhappy childhood. He'd have to learn to take responsibility soon enough.

"That's good to hear. And he's not afraid at all?" Brandon asked? He was interested, but he also thought if the conversation was on little John, Beth might just feel more relaxed. How to approach the topic he really wanted to talk about was another matter, though.

"No, not at all. He's terribly excited about it, silly little man. He can hardly say it, but you just need to see him when Andrew there offers to lift him on to the saddle," Beth explained. Brandon was right, she was clearly more at ease when she talked about her boy.

Brandon also tried to keep an eye on Marianne as they conversed. So far he had not noticed anything off with her, but now they were talking about the boy and while little John was clearly Beth's pride and joy regardless of how he came about, surely little John would draw Marianne's thoughts to the boy's father. However, Brandon could not see any signs of distress.

"I should very much like to meet John, if that's alright?" Marianne then asked Beth. Beth gave her a slightly nervous nod in reply and when the two young women allowed their eyes to meet, they knew they would have to face some facts.

"Oh, there he is. He must have woken up," Beth pointed to the garden through the window. Mrs Framlington was watching after a little boy who was proudly riding a stick horse on the lawn.

"Perhaps we can go out?" Marianne suggested and put down her cup of tea. Beth followed the lead and the ladies stood up. As did Brandon. Beth started to walk to the French doors leading to the garden and Marianne quickly turned to look at her fiancé. One look between them was as good as a lengthy discussion: Marianne and Beth needed to talk on their own for a bit. They needed to level with each other just between girls.

"Actually, if you don't mind me abandoning you for a moment, I need to talk to Mr and Mrs Framlington for a bit…" Brandon excused himself once outside. Beth and Marianne went off further into the garden with John while Brandon guided Mrs Framlington towards the farm buildings.

"He's so beautiful" Marianne said, not quite able to tear her eyes off the boy.

"He is. And despite everything, he's everything to me. I don't know how to thank Colonel Brandon for everything." Beth said quietly. Marianne realised she could see shame in the other girl's eyes.

"Beth – I hope you don't mind if I call you Beth, and you must call me Marianne – is there something the matter?"

"Oh, it's just. I'm not sure how to say it… But the Colonel is so kind to me even after the way I behaved. He found me a place here at the farm and he's looked after us. He really has." Beth explained.

Marianne's heart filled with understanding. Had she not had the very same thoughts initially when she had realized her folly with Willoughby and finally understood the true kindness and caring Colonel Brandon had shown her.

"But you've known the Colonel a long time. All your life, yes?"

Beth nodded in confirmation.

"So you know well his affection and care is not the fleeting kind. If ever there is anyone capable of unconditional loyalty, don't you think it's our dear Colonel?" Marianne continued. She so wanted to reassure Beth. The ladies exchanged a small smile.

"It's true. He has never once gone back on his word as far as I can tell. And I really still feel shame at the way I ran away after I discovered I was… with a child… I caused him so much trouble when all along I should have known he'd never stop looking for me." Beth wasn't sure why she felt she could be this open with someone she had known only for a short moment.

"I'm sorry, I mustn't burden you with my past…" Beth started to apologize. Little Johnny the ran back up to his mother and the new lady, and for a moment Marianne could clearly see Willoughby there, on his horse.

"He does look like Willoughby, doesn' the?" Marianne asked quietly.

"He does, it cannot be denied," Beth replied.

"I think you already know, Beth, that our pasts are intertwined somewhat," Marianne then decided to take the bull by the horns. There was a short pause.

"Yes, I have heard some details," Beth admitted.

"It was when Colonel Brandon learnt of your situation that Willoughby had to leave Barton rather at haste," Marianne decided to explain further. She didn't know how much the other woman had heard, but what she wanted her to know was probably best coming from her.

"I was very smitten by him at the time and very much expected him to propose to me then. There is no denying I was heartbroken when he left, and I cannot tell you how heartbroken I was when I finally met him again in London and he turned me down. Quite firmly. He was engaged to Miss Grey then. " Marianne was surprised at how easily she could tell her story. On the way here she had wondered if this would be difficult, but now that she realized what truly was important, she could view her own past with a sense of detachment. It was in the past, all dealt with.

"I heard you were taken rather ill?" Beth asked. What she heard of Marianne's story until now were the bits and pieces that Mrs Framlington had put together.

"Oh yes. All quite ghastly, really." Marianne continued. "I was miserable, and when on our way back from London we stopped near where Willoughby's house was, I stupidly had to walk several miles to go see it from a hill. I got soaked by the rain and I was exhausted." Here, Marianne had to stop to draw her breath. It was this part that she could not think of with detachment.

"Just like Colonel Brandon never stopped looking for you, he never stopped being a friend to me and my sisters even though I had so rudely dismissed his attentions earlier. What a foolish girl I was, Beth. You must understand that I truly believe I know some of what you must be feeling: I also thought at one point that I must have lost the Colonel's good opinion. But no: once he has taken someone under his wing it is for good."

The ladies walked on silently for a while.

"He cares a great deal for you, Beth. And for your son."

"I know. I don't know how to thank him and I wish I could make everything alright so that he wouldn't feel he's obligated to care for us for the rest of our lives." Beth confessed.

"I know that. I think we understand each other quite well, Beth," Marianne said, taking Beth's hand.

"The Colonel is so private about his affairs that he probably wouldn't want me to tell you about this, but he has recently been a little worried that we – you and I – might find it difficult when eventually we'll both live so close by." Marianne revealed. Beth laughed a little.

"You're right," Beth explained. "He probably would not like it if he knew you told me this. He is so very private."

"Beth I want you to know that although I did have some apprehensions about being reminded of Willoughby and all that, I have not for one moment wanted to change thins in your life. Colonel Brandon has made himself, and you, a promise to look after you and who would I be to stand in the way of that. Also, I happen to think that you and I have something in common that should bring us together, not push us apart." Best to have it out openly and clearly.

"You'll not want me to move somewhere else?" Beth asked almost timidly. Marianne shook her head.

"No, Beth, why should you have to move about because of a miserable, irresponsible man-boy like Willoughby? Don't you think it would be rather fitting if we were to become friends instead of being weary of the facts of the past? Yes, we were taken in by the same man. I was saved in time, but only because you happened to be his first victim. I was able to pull through from my heartache not the least because of what the Colonel relayed to my sister about your situation. I feel like I owe you something."

Beth did not now what to say. She had been certain that propriety would call for her to move away and gradually be forgotten by the Colonel.

"I should like us to be friends. Very much. We'll never truly move in the same circles, but to know that our past brings us together and not apart is very comforting to know," Beth then was able to put her feelings into words. The women looked each other in the eye again and understood each other perfectly.


	6. Chapter 6

On Pasts and Presents: Chapter 6

"It is miserable how people are hostages of the fortune or misfortune of their birth," Marianne hissed in Brandon's carriage as they made their way back to Delaford. Beth had not quite believed Marianne when Marianne had suggested they could be actual friends. "We'll never move in the same circles" the woman had said and Marianne had talked to her at length on how little difference they had in terms of position: after their father's death the only prospect for the Dashwood girls in this world was find a reasonable marriage. Marianne tried to make Beth see that she certainly did not compare her own fate to that of Beth's mother or Beth as such, but only in terms of prospects.

"If it wasn't for you, she'd have to give up her child to some poor house so that she might find employment, and the boy would end up being used as cheap labour somewhere eventually," Marianne truly was feeling the injustice of the world in how Beth's life could have turned out. Brandon reached his arm around her shoulders this time and pulled her close. He had been so very pleased to see the two women most important to him animated in conversation, standing close to each other as if confiding secrets with each other. They were getting along better than he had dared to hope even in his most optimistic dreams.

"It is, most unfortunate. And you and your sisters know all about it." Brandon agreed. He was already talking to his legal advisors about checking the rules of inheriting Delaford. There was no other reason for estates to go from fathers to sons except how the family had originally written this for the estate. Having lost faith in ever having his own offspring, Brandon had lost much of his interest interest in finding out which one of his distant cousins or cousins once removed would be the heir. Now, with Marianne, he wanted to try his hardest to make sure that any child of theirs, should God bless them with any, would be able to inherit.

"Please be assured, Marianne, that I intend to look after Beth and the boy for as long as necessary. Eventually the lad should be able to find employment and look after his mother. I want to give them that chance of independence and want to see to it that if the boy shows any aptitude to schooling he will receive it." Brandon explained. Marianne immediately understood what he was saying. Beth has voiced it almost as clearly: whilst she felt blessed and was grateful for having someone like Brandon look after her, she felt like a burden as well. Beth would very much like to be able to stand on her own feet, make a life for herself.

"Anyways, I hope I didn't force you to keep company with Mrs Framlington for too long. I didn't quite notice how quickly time passed once we started to really talk about things," Marianne then said. She had, at one point, realized, that Colonel Brandon and Mrs Framlington may not have quite as much to talk about as she and Beth did.

"Not to worry, love. We had quite a few things to talk about. Beth was, as you might guess, one of the topics."

"Yes?" Marianne was keen to hear this.

"Mrs Framlington is happy to have Beth at the farm for as long as is necessary, but worries that with their own sons and daughters there isn't so much to do day to day and Beth isn't happy unless she feels she's of some use." Brandon was frowning a little by now.

"But you'd think there's always plenty to do at farms?" Marianne wondered outloud. Brandon laughed.

"Oh yes, but it's often quite sporadic. There are seasons for things when every pair of hands is necessary, and more, but then there are times when you simply have to wait for things to grow."

"But Mrs Framlington did have an idea she wanted my opinion on," Brandon continued. Marianne simply kept staring at the man until he realized he should every now and then continue with what needed saying without anyone having to pull it out of him.

"I never told you, I don't think we've ever been past the farm even, but there's one of the other leased Delaford farms a few miles from here, Jenkins, the family is called, and some weeks ago Mrs Jenkins perished from a condition of the lungs. They have three sons and a daughter and even with the help Mr Jenkins already has on the farm, he's finding it hard to cope. He will not admit to it, but more than one person has brought this up already. Now Mrs Framlington, too. I believe Ferrars has been to see Mr Jenkins several times to see how he could help but the man is a bit stubborn." Brandon explained.

"How awful! Are the children very small?" Marianne asked.

"The youngest is but an infant and the eldest has just turned twelve," Brandon sighed. He, too had been digging round his brain for a way to provide the man some respite and to get him to accept help.

"He's a very proud and stubborn man. Believes he and he alone must deal with anything God throws at him, good or bad."

"How absolutely tragic," Marianne sighed, then continued:

"But what did Mrs Framlington have in mind?"

Brandon's frown lifted somewhat. This had been the first idea that had even sounded as if it might work. He would have to take some stick from Mr Jenkins, but on the whole this might just work.

"Mrs Framlington suggested I should use my position as a landlord concerned for the productivity of the various farms on the estate and basically order Beth to work at the Jenkins farm. The man needs a hand looking after the baby, Beth has experience of babies. Other housekeeping and farm work she is already familiar with. It could start with a few hours a day or a few days a week, something subtle, and see how it goes."

Marianne smiled. This sounded quite sensible.

"I think it is most excellent. Beth would not have to move anywhere immediately, and if she was happy working for Jenkins then perhaps moving in is an option later. And I think it would be very important for Beth to feel that she is working somewhere where her effort is truly needed. She is grateful for everything you do for her, but embarrassed also. This could really work!"

"Yes, it could. And even if Mr Jenkins will most likely want to bite my head off for meddling with his farm affairs like that, I'm willing to take that if it means the man isn't having to cope with absolutely everything all alone. God knows he must be so broken at the moment." Brandon agreed.

While talking, Marianne had slipped her arm around Brandon's waist as well, and pulled herself quite tightly against him. The man felt like security itself. There was nowhere more comfortable than where ever she was so long as he held her. The leisurely pace they had been making back to Delaford bad brought them to the little patch of woods Marianne already had learned was not very far from the house. Soon they would join everyone else at the house and there would be less room for the odd, yet beautiful, sense of already being a couple she had. It was hard to explain the feeling even to herself: it was like a glimpse into the future. The way they would be with each other when they were married and were allowed to be alone with each other. This is what it must feel like to know that you were the closest persons in each other's lives and through each moment you would get to know that person a little better. She loved that feeling.

Placing her free hand over Christopher's hand that was holding the reins, she wanted to ask him a small favour:

"Dearest, would you mind terribly if we stopped here for a little moment before we return to Delaford?"

Brandon looked at her for a moment, then halted the carriage. Not taking his eyes off hers he was trying to read her expression: did she ask to stop for the reason he was hoping she did?

"What do you have in mind?" he then asked quietly, almost not being able to trust his voice. He was sitting there with his bride to be tucked up very close to his body, her arm around his waist, his around hers. Only concentrating on keeping the carriage on the road (which the horses pretty much did by themselves anyway) had kept Brandon's heart rate tolerable when she had wound her arm around him.

"Can't you guess?" she whispered.


	7. Chapter 7

On Pasts and Presents: Chapter 7

Brandon realized he was holding his breath when it finally dawned on him what Marianne was asking. So far those few precious stolen moments of privacy and intimacy they had had with each other had been more or less thrust upon them by unexpected opportunity. Some, he had to admit, he had orchestrated to the best of his ability. This time, it was once again an opportunity that had presented itself, but for the first time it was Marianne who had voiced that mutual affection and (dare he think it?) desire they had silently communicated to each other for some time now. He shouldn't be so surprised by her initiative, though: this was his beautiful, and brave Marianne, after all!

Forcing himself to breath again, however shaky that breath was, Christopher Brandon lifted his trembling hand to Marianne's cheek. He had, without thinking, dropped his reigns long ago but that did not matter – his horses seemed perfectly happy to have found their way to the lush bank of grass by the roadside and were not about to move. A delightful blush took hold of Marianne's cheeks as his hand touched her face and she leaned her head so his touch would be on her cheek even firmer. Seeing her reaction and understanding that it was his presence and his touch that affected her so strongly gripped his heart so tightly he was no longer sure if he could breath again after all. What ever he had done in this life to deserve the affections of this girl, this beautiful young woman, he could not tell, but he was not going to refuse this most exquisite gift life had seen fit to bestow upon him.

Their eyes never broke contact as Marianne, too, lifted her hand to his face, stroking his cheek and jawline so tenderly. What their eyes were communicating to each other in this moment was so much more than either would have been able to put into words. Taking hold tighter with the arms they already had around each other, the pair inched closer to each other. Tightly.

"Marianne…" he whispered, closing the distance between them.

The kiss was hot and tender at first, but very soon the tentative exploration gained momentum and became a more confident communication between the two. Brandon tightened his hold around Marianne's waist when he felt her fingers in the nape of his neck, pulling him against her even harder. Brandon was not able to hold back a moan that accompanied the surge of blood to his nether regions.

Good God this woman had awakened his longing for physical closeness in full. She made him want her touch, her nearness – her everything – in ways that Brandon had thought were long denied him. He had lost his first love such a long time ago and despite any human contact he may have had since, he had convinced himself that such vigorous current of life was no longer in the books for him. He would have been happy and settled for loving intimacy of any level with this woman in his arms, but the roaring fire she lit in him was more than he had ever experienced.

Still, however much she turned him on this very moment Brandon was not going to let her feel the very physical manifestation of his feelings. He would not subject her to the awkwardness of showing her his desire when they were not in a position to carry out anything more than this kiss. Even this kiss was too much, but Brandon could not bring himself to deny this little glimpse of heaven from himself. There would be the right place and time for more when they finally married. And if Marianne's sighs and the force at which she pulled him to her were anything to go by, the heat he felt was not one sided.

But by gods did she feel like heaven to him. Her lips soft but still as determined as his, her taste, her scent – how was he going to survive until the wedding? The way she responded to his touch reassured him of their love and their compatibility. To marry her and to love her was more than he had ever dared to dream. Brandon would have been happy to stay there, with her, for the rest of his life like that, but reality in the form of need to breath claimed its own back and the lovers lips parted.

"Christopher…" she managed to gasp and their eyes met again.

"Marianne, I love you so much," Brandon said the only coherent words he had at this moment. He could not have meant it more.

"And I love you… Can we not get married sooner?" Marianne then responded with a little smirk of a smile. Christopher smiled back. They were still holding each other in close embrace, unwilling to let go. He let his forehead rest against her and reached further just enough to exchange one more light caress of lips with her.

"How I wish that too, dearest," he then replied in a soft and gentle voice, and continued:

"But I doubt if we're granted that luxury. Holding on to the memory of this moment will have to carry me until then."

Marianne smiled at him, still keeping their heads together and faces close. She reached up and gave him a light kiss on the lips.

"It will have to carry me, too, my love, but perhaps we can visit Beth and explore your estate on our own again meanwhile?"

Brandon merely nodded and smiled as he collected the reigns. As frustrating it was to wait, this moment would help the wait.


	8. Chapter 8

On Pasts and Presents: Chapter 8

As it happened, Edward agreed with Mrs Framlington and Colonel Brandon: perhaps Beth helping out at the Jenkins farm would be a good turn of events for both parties. If Beth and Jenkins got along at all, the baby could be cared for by someone more permanent than all the various neighbours and wives of farmhands who were looking after the Jenkins household now. Edward, not going into too much detail as it was not appropriate for the good reverend to talk about the affairs of his parishioners with other people, allowed the others to understand that Mr Jenkins was indeed having great trouble coping. Farms cannot be started and stopped. Cattle will need care and the fields yield their produce regardless of what life sees fit to inflict upon the farmer. The man had not had a chance to mourn for his wife but had hardly been hit with the disaster when he was already expected to care for his children and run the considerably sized lease farm.

Edward had seen that the man suspected Brandon had directed extra hands from other farms to help him out, but no one had admitted this to his face and proud as Jenkins was, he was not able to refuse help that insisted they were only there because their squire would not have them idle at other farms that were not in need of them at the moment. But this was not enough. Jenkins needed help in the house.

And so it was decided. Just as he had sent extra farm hands over, Brandon would send Beth over as well. For all Beth knew, her help was needed and it would be good for Jenkins to have someone who could get to know his children a little. Someone who could care for the infant as well so that Jenkins would be able to go about his business without having to worry about his offspring and house meanwhile. Beth would, then, be allowed to be useful in a more independent sort of a way.

"What is Mr Jenkins like?" Marianne asked Brandon later that day after Edward and Elinor had left. They had only been to see Beth yesterday and now the plan seemed to be moving ahead quite quickly. It had, at some point, occurred to Marianne that it was all well and good to get people to help each other and help themselves, but would Beth and this Jenkins fellow get along? Mrs Dashwood seized her knitting upon hearing the question from her seat on the other side of the fireplace. Marianne and Brandon were sharing a small sofa on one side, reading and chatting about whatever it was that they were reading. Mrs Dashwood and Margaret sat in the armchairs opposite the sofa, occupied with needlework and knitting.

Mrs Dashwood and Margaret had both been particularly immersed in their crafts when they'd observed the couple sharing a book and taking about it in great detail in low voices. To a casual observer from a distance it could have looked like two people comfortable with each other were really simply reading and talking, but Mrs Dashwood was not born yesterday: she saw the intimacy and the subtext in the couple's interaction. Even Margaret could tell that there was more to the softly spoken quotations and comments. There had to be, with the way Marianne and Brandon kept looking at each other in the eye, leaning towards each other and finding reason to touch each other's arm or hand.

"How do you mean?" Brandon asked back.

"Just that, what is he like. How old is he, does he have a pleasant nature – that sort of how," Marianne elaborated.

Brandon lowered the book in his lap and furrowed his brow for a moment in contemplation. What was Jenkins like?

"I haven't really thought about it. A good, decent man I suppose. I've never heard anything untoward and his wife was a pleasant, gentle sort of woman as well," Brandon eventually answered.

"I would just like Beth to get along in a new place. And of course that Mr Jenkins can feel comfortable with someone new coming into his household like that."

"I doubt if Jenkins is yet in a position to notice much anything but his loss. I understand he and Mrs Jenkins were a close and well-suited couple," Brandon commented. But of course Marianne was right: how awful for Beth if her placement turned out to be an uncomfortable one, and for Jenkins if Beth turned out to be someone he was not comfortable leaving his children with.

"Do you think it would be all right for me to go see Beth from time to time? On my own even?" Marianne asked. Brandon thought about this for a short moment. Again something he hadn't really thought about so far, and upon quick contemplation, couldn't see any reason why that would not be acceptable.

"I don't see why not, if you wish to. I know Beth will be pleased to see you, and as you know it pleases me no end that you two get on so well," Brandon started, and continued:

"It's a bit of a trek without a horse from Barton, but if you wish, you can always come here first and ride there or have someone from my stables to take you in a carriage:"

It was at this prospect that Mrs Dashwood felt she had to join in.

"How do you mean, Marianne coming here on her own?"

"My apologies, Mrs Dashwood, I did not mean to propose anything untoward. My thoughts run ahead of my words – I was simply thinking that I'll have to go to town for a while soon, and although I am not here, there is no reason my fiancée cannot come here meanwhile." Brandon rushed to explain, with a hint of crimson creeping up from under his collar. He hadn't been thinking, had he? Of course he had meant what he said: he really had to go to town. But as he had uttered his invitation he could not deny thinking how wonderful it would be to have Marianne here with him without a chaperone.

"Or, naturally, if Marianne would like to come with Miss Margaret or you, Mrs Dashwood, I offer my warmest welcome," he could only hope he had recovered from his oversight sufficiently. This dancing around Marianne was forced into thanks to that Willoughby was getting wearisome. The decorum they were expected to display now during their engagement was more rigid than was really necessary these days, but he would not risk anyone getting the wrong impression about Marianne again. Or Marianne's family to be subjected to any untoward gossip. There had been enough of that already. Yet each and every night he would count the days when he lay in his bed alone. Counted the days until he could bring her home as his wife.

"Oh, of course!" Mrs Dashwood laughed the misunderstanding off. She knew perfectly well Brandon would not suggest anything less than what was proper, but having seen the couple's intimacy earlier, Mrs Dashwood had decided that a little reminder of their position would not go amiss every now and then. She never said it, of course, but she was quite happy to turn a blind eye for the couple so that they'd have some chance to get to know each other privately as well, but such matters and occasions would have to be offered in moderation.

"Go to town! When? How long?" Marianne had overcome the surprise. As much as the thought of popping over so that she could go see Beth pleased her, the ultimate condition of her doing so suddenly sank in: Brandon would go away!

"I'm sorry my dear, I should have told you earlier. I usually have to go this time of year and talk to all manner of tedious law types and accountants and what have you. I'm afraid it tends to take about two weeks usually, but I promise I'll try and come back as soon as I can," Brandon explained and gingerly took her hand in his. Damned if he was not allowed to hold the hand of his wife to be.

Marianne sighed sadly. She wasn't going to be dramatic over this, Christopher had a huge estate to run, after all.

"I shall miss you," she said quietly, squeezing his hand back, looking at him in the eyes.

"I shall miss you, too, my prescious," he replied in low enough voice that he hoped Mrs Dashwood would not hear too clearly. He loved it when he could use an endearment like that with Marianne, but he wasn't the type to do it too publicly.

"Can I write to you?" Marianne had to confirm. Perhaps it only was two weeks, but having a connection to her Christopher had become as essential to her as having air to breath or water to drink.

"Of course, dearest. You know where I am in town. And I shall write to you, too, if I may." And at that they shared a small smile, knowing how in letters they were always more free to express themselves to each other than when in company of others. A little conspiratory smile was exchanged.


	9. Chapter 9

On Pasts and Presents: Chapter 9

Despite her determination not take Christopher's departure too heavily, Marianne found she could hardly breath when the time came for her, Margaret and her Mother to leave Delaford at the end of their visit. Christopher insisted on driving them back to Barton Cottage himself, but finding suitable topics for light conversation on the way was extremely difficult. Marianne sat next to Brandon at the front, and once they were on their way she decided the backrest on their driver's seat as well as the blanket Brandon had spread on her lap would provide enough cover for her to hold his hand as soon as they were on the road. Brandon did not object when her small hand tentatively reached for his, and he discreetly pulled his glove off so he could fell her hand properly in his.

Margaret and Mrs Dashwood chatted about this and that in the open carriage, but clearly did not expect the two in the front to take part in the conversation. They were just a little too far away. The two perhaps did not really see it, either, how this may have been a purposeful decision on Mrs Dashwood's part: if Brandon was going away, the two should be left alone. Well, as alone as possible, anyways. At the front words were choking Brandon's throat and Marianne felt that if she even tried to say something she would burst out in tears.

After a while Brandon could no longer hold back, and in a low voice he hoped only Marianne would hear he approached the sensitive subject:

"I'm sorry I have to go."

Marianne looked at him. Brandon trained his eyes forward, not wanting to risk showing how emotional he was over this.

"Please do not apologize – you have your business to attend to and it would be silly of me to assume that just because of me you should drop all else," she said quietly. She meant it, too: for goodness sake, this was everyday life and a couple of weeks apart should be no issue. It was not that long!

"But what if it's me who would like to drop all else just so I could see you every day?" he then said, still so softly even Marianne had difficulty hearing him. She swallowed a sniffle. It would not do to cry now.

"Oh, trust me, Christopher, it feels like it will be an eternity without you not knowing when you'll be back, but I'm trying to remind myself now that it is not like the last time. You're not off to war, you'll just be going to town and we can write to each other."

Brandon finally looked at her and gave her one of his endearing little one-sided smiles.  
"Yes, we can write," he said. Marianne had put her finger on it when she'd mentioned the war. That was clearly the reference they both had in mind for his leaving, and they should really get a hold of themselves and remember that doing business in town was hardly sailing into the unknown and into battle. He would complete his business, exchange a letter or two in the time, then return and they would continue seeing each other regularly until the wedding.

At Barton Cottage Mrs Dashwood, manoeuvred herself and Margaret into the Cottage swiftly enough to leave Marianne and Brandon to say goodbye on their own. Mrs Dashwood was getting rather good at turning a discreet blind eye to the couple when necessary. Brandon turned his carriage around after Tom had taken all of the ladies' belongings to the cottage, and despite their earlier resolution to be sensible about all this, both Marianne and Brandon felt emotions take over. They stood there, looking at each other in the eye, not knowing what to say.

Brandon's resolve broke first and he reached for Marianne, pulling her tightly to him and kissing her soundly. Marianne was quick to respond, wrapping her arms around his neck and shoulders and returning the kiss as eagerly as he had started it. After a moment they heard noises from the cottage and pulled apart, both a little flushed and breathing heavy.

"Goodbye, dearest. I shall write to you as soon as I settle in town," he said, taking hold of her hands.

"I can't wait to hear from you. Please keep safe," she replied.

Brandon once more lifted her hands to kiss them, then leapt onto his carriage and took off. She knew how he hated to leave her, but it still did not mean she should see his tears. The tears that were quite a shock even to him!

Three days later, as Marianne anticipated, a letter was finally delivered. Mrs Dashwood and Mrs Ferrars, who was visiting that day, were smiling at the younger Dashwood who had spent most of the day keeping an eye at the window an for the postman. Marianne had grown up and matured in so many ways in the past few years, but there were some aspect of her character that clearly remained unchanged, this impatience and excitement being such aspects.

"What is he saying, dear?" Mrs Dashwood asked when Marianne returned to the dining room where they were all gathered. Clearly it would not be proper to disappear entirely with the letter as she wanted, and then next best thing was to casually take her letter to the parlour and respond to any conversation with her mother and sisters from there.

"Just a moment, let me open it first," she stalled. She wanted to read the letter privately first.

_My Dearest Marianne,_

_I have just arrived, and put the horse away. It's quite late but I promised I'd write as soon as I settled – and I cannot stop myself from writing, either. This is like the conversations with you that I already miss so dearly._

_On the way down I had plenty of time to think about things, and I realised something: yes, I miss your presence and company like nothing else, but going away also gives me a perfect excuse to write to you. An excuse to write to you and talk about everything that is difficult to talk about when we are in the company of others. And there are so many things I wish to say to you and you alone, my sweet one! Yet, not seeing you and not knowing when I can hold your hand in mine again is such sweet agony I cannot wait for the day when you finally become my wife._

_I can still feel and taste you kisses on my lips. To these sensations I go to bed and fall asleep at night. The joy my whole being feels when I have you in my arms is more than I have ever felt before and how I wish that you feel it, too. Do you, my love? Please assure me of that if you can – my big worry is that perhaps someone so beautiful and young will find my aging presence less than appealing. _

_Tomorrow I shall meet my solicitor and get started with everything I need to complete here. With any luck I can arrange all meetings quite soon and be done with town as soon as possible. Meanwhile, I shall look forward to a letter from you, my love. Please, do give my best wishes also to your family._

_Yours, always,_

_Christopher_

Marianne's eyes grew moist with Christopher's declarations, but she realised also that her cheeks were burning and her heart was beating rapidly. By talking about the physical contact they had and how it felt Christopher had brought her own desires to the surface. Desires she could not quite understand but also could not wait to be able to explore more. These were feelings Christopher alone was able to stir in her.

"He's in town, Mama, and all is well. He will meet with his solicitor tomorrow and then gets on with whatever it is he is doing. He sends his best wishes to everyone." Marianne tried to sound casual, simply relaying the news, while her mind wanted to simply run up to her room and think about all the things Christopher had said to her. He was right: there was never an opportunity talk so intimately as in letters, and writing letters while they were seeing each other most days would draw unnecessary attention. Perhaps his trip to town was an opportunity to talk in that open and honest way they had agreed upon when he started courting her.

Elinor had come to the parlour door, having heard something in her sister's voice that conflicted with the casual tone she was trying to achieve.

"Is there something the matter, dearest?" Elinor asked quietly, looking at her sister with slight concern. Marianne jumped a little, not realising Elinor had approached as Marianne was reading the letter again.

"Matter? No, no – nothing is the matter… as such," Marianne replied. Elinor looked at her questioningly now.

"As such?"

Marianne was almost squirming now. She knew it was almost pointless trying to hide anything from her sister. No, Elinor did not have to know exactly what Christopher had written. On that she agreed with Brandon: their letters were the only privacy they really had. But her own feelings – what did they all mean? Perhaps her sister, being already married and all, would be able to help her there.

"Elinor, I'd like to ask you about some…things… when we have a moment alone. About marriage." Marianne almost whispered this. She would do it. She would ask Elinor, but how and with what words she had no idea.


	10. Chapter 10

On Pasts and Presents: Chapter 10

Marianne's whole manner was telling Elinor that what she'd like to ask about was not open to discussion in front of their mother or their younger sister.

"Why don't we go for a walk on the meadow, it's such a nice bright day, mmh?" Elinor suggested. Marianne let out a sigh of relief. How lucky she was to have an older sister like Elinor!

"Yes. Yes, that would be lovely," Marianne said and started to make her way out straight away.

"Mama! We're going for a walk. We shan't be long!" Marianne quickly called and slipped out before either their mother or Margaret had a chance to react and try and come along.

The sisters walked for a while in silence. Marianne in hopes of finding the right words for the questions she had, Elinor waiting until they were far enough from everything to be sure they would not encounter anyone else.

"What is it Marianne? Did the Colonel write something in his letter?" Elinor asked eventually. Marianne was still blushed and avoided Elinor's eyes.  
"It's not that. It's related to that, I mean, it's me, but because of him… Oh, I wish I knew how to explain…" Marianne fretted.

"You said you had something to ask about marriage?" Elinor tried to help Marianne.

"Will you keep a secret, Elinor? Promise me?" Marianne then started. She took a deep breath and decided there was nothing to it: if she wanted help, she would have to talk to Elinor.

"Are you in trouble?" Elinor asked. She would always help her sister in any way she could, but she would not go into things blindly. Deep down she did not think anything was really amiss, but she had to hear it from Marianne.

"Oh no, no Elinor, no! Nothing like that! But it is something that involves Colonel Brandon and I don't want anyone to think ill of him because of me," Marianne rushed to reassure Elinor.

"It's me. When I'm with him, I can't help the way I feel. And I don't know where it comes from and is that the way I'm supposed to feel," Marianne continued.

Elinor took her sister's arm and guided her to a grassy bank. It would probably be best to sit down to have this conversation. Elinor already had an inkling of what this might be about, and she tried not to smile yet.

"And how does he make you feel?"

"I can't wait to see him and be in his company, and that much I can understand. I really do love him so much. But lately there's been… well, more," Marianne tried to explain. Elinor did not press her to continue, knowing Marianne would carry on in her own time.

"When he holds my hand, or touches me at all. Like when we play music or if he helps me off a horse or down from a carriage – I have these feelings. It's so hard to explain…"

"You'd like him to touch you more?" Elinor finally stepped in to help her staggering sister. Marianne's head whipped around in astonishment: Elinor knew something!

"Yes" Marianne whispered and was not sure how to react to Elinor's knowing smile.

"Dearest, I do hope there's been more than holding hands and such?"

Marianne could but stare: what was Elinor saying?

"What I mean is, I hope you've taken your opportunities and kissed a little as well?" Elinor continued, smirking in an almost teasing sort of way. Now Marianne was in shock – was this not exactly what everyone was trying to keep them from doing?

"Yes, we have kissed. And I find I want more of it. I feel I'm never allowed to be enough with Brandon, not on our own. When I'm not with him I want to be with him. When I cannot touch him or even just be near him I miss him so much… and I feel that there's much more that I want but I don't know what it is. Is it like that with you and Edward?" Marianne let the dam break.

Elinor laughed. Everyone who ever spent a moment in the company of Brandon and Marianne could see the attraction the two had for each other.

"Sweetie, I don't have to tell you about where babies eventually come from, we talked about that when you first started your monthlies. And I'm sure Mother will give you her advise closer to your wedding like she did with me."

Marianne was not quite sure she was following Elinor. Yes, the basics of human procreation had been explained to her in rather vague terms, but she had also been left with the idea that the relations required were nothing much to look forward to and not something to be encouraged beyond the necessary.

"Marianne, no one really ever tells girls this before they marry. Maybe because they want to maintain the mystery and also make sure young ladies do not stray too much with young men before they are married. You've seen what happens, think of Beth! But what you've just described to me sounds very similar to how I feel about Edward. I love him – like you love dear Colonel Brandon – and after we married we started to learn so much more about each other. I'm not telling you more because it something that takes place only between myself and my husband an in the privacy of our home, but I'll just say I am very happy to hear about these feelings. We can all see how in love you both are, and once you start life as a married couple I expect you to have a very close and intimate relationship with each other. I say expect rather than hope, because I'm so certain of it." Elinor explained, smiling sympathetically.

"You are saying, then, that what I'm feeling when Brandon is with me, or when we kiss, is a part of the marital relations later?"

"Very much. Not every couple is as lucky, I fear. As you know, not everyone is lucky enough to marry out of love. You are very much feeling the physical attraction that comes with love."

Marianne thought about this quietly for a moment.

"I take it perhaps the Colonel wrote to you about this?" Elinor then ventured to ask. Marianne face heated to a strongest of blushes immediately.

"It's alright, Marianne, I don't really need to know. I was merely wondering if that was the reason you wanted to talk about this. Your Brandon may seem a quiet and reserved sort of a man, but remember when you had been ill and I told you about what he did? Well, that man has passion that burns so hot deep inside him that I'm full of admiration for him for agreeing with Mama on such a long engagement with you."

At this Elinor stood up and started to walk home. Marianne sat where she was, eyes wide. Elinor was full of surprises these days, talking about Brandon's passion like that! It was good that Elinor left her there, thought. Marianne's mind was swirling with all the things Elinor had said, and all the things that Christopher had said in his letter. And, not the least, all the things that she was learning to feel now. She would have to think about her letter a little.


	11. Chapter 11

On Pasts and Presents: Chapter 11

Brandon's meetings were progressing well and at this pace he could well be on his way home to Delaford this time next week. But his mind was not at ease. It was now three days since he sent his letter to Marianne and as soon as he had sent it he had started to doubt if perhaps he had said too much. He should have understood not to write as soon as he arrived in town – and more than that, he should have understood not to have sent the letter he wrote, but to write a new one instead! Oh Lord if he had now scared her off or made her doubt how sincere he was about her!

When he had arrived it was getting late and he had been riding most of the day. He was tired and miserable for having to come away. He had seen to his horse, then refused dinner but had a drink – or perhaps more than one – of whisky to ease his mind and aching heart a little, and had then sat down to write to his sweet Marianne. Telling her about how she made him feel, how he missed her in every possible way, had seemed perfectly natural and a good idea at the time. In the morning he had simply instructed his man to see that the letter gets to Marianne, and he had taken off to see to his affairs. It was the evening of that next day when he had thought about what he had written, and a sense of dread had descended upon him: what if he had said too much? Yes, they had kissed and yes, she had even initiated it that time, but all the same: she was such an innocent, sweet, young thing!

Brandon's fretting was interrupted by a knock on his door. His man entered the library where Brandon had been sitting with his paperwork. On the tray, his man carried an envelope. Brandon felt his heart beat a little faster the moment he saw the envelope and saw that it could be one from Marianne.

"Thank you," Brandon muttered as he took the letter.

"Will there be anything else, sir?"

"No, thank you. That'll be all. I'll not need anything else for the rest of the evening", Brandon dismissed his servant almost too eagerly. The handwriting on the envelope told him this was, indeed, from Marianne, and he wanted to be left alone with this letter. He waited until the door was closed once more before using his opener, noticing his hands were trembling a little.

_My dear Christopher!_

_What joy when your letter arrived. I know it is silly to worry about you when you're simply going to town. A journey which you have covered in all conditions and temperatures, I'm sure. Yet ever since that horrendous time when I feared I might not ever see you again, I feel such a stab in my heart when you go away. I feel it a little even when you simply get on your horse and return to Delaford when you've been to see us at Barton Cottage. _

_What you said about letters providing us a way of talking openly and honestly when our usual society so easily gets in the way of that under normal circumstances is absolutely correct: this is almost the only way to say things that would be difficult to communicate otherwise. And I thank you for all that you told me in your letter. _

_All I want is the privilege and freedom to express how alike our feelings seem to be: I love you so much, my dearest Christopher! This I have told you before and I hope you know that and remember that in your heart. I need only think of you and I can feel how my heart grows fond of you and I know that the day you marry me I will be the happiest of women._

_But there is more. I hope you will forgive me, but I had to talk to my sister Elinor about this. Do not worry, I did not talk about your letter or anything else we have said or done as such, but when you wrote about closeness and intimacy, all I could do was think of our kisses or those times you have held me or just touched me by sitting next to me at the piano forte. For some time this closeness has evoked very special feelings in me, and I now believe you feel such emotions too. I wasn't sure what my feelings meant, so I asked Elinor (in private, of course). You talk of joy when you hold me in your arms. How I wish I could see you this very moment so that I could submit myself in your arms, be held by you and feel your kisses again. For me your closeness brings pure joy and bliss, do not ever doubt that, my love. My heart and my body respond to you in ways I have never even imagined and if I am greedy for wanting more, then be it: I am greedy. _

_Tonight, I shall also lie in bed, thinking of you. To think that you might be doing the same brings me some comfort. Oh, to be married to you already! _

_Please look after yourself and come back safe. Mother, Elinor and Margaret all send you their best wishes._

_Love always,_

_Marianne_

She was right: come the night he would be in his bed and thinking of her. How could he do anything but? And now he knew for certain she would be thinking of him, too! Oh damn and blast these wretched months he still had to wait to make her his for good.


	12. Chapter 12

On Pasts and Presents: Chapter 12

The morning after Marianne's letter had arrived found Brandon busy with meetings, but he had trouble keeping his mind on the affairs at hand. All he seemed to be able to think of was Marianne's letter, how to answer it and the joy of knowing she felt the same desire for more. She was still so innocent, though. She clearly knew a certain amount of what was to come, but of course she had no experience. And no doubt, is his experience was anything to go by, she will have been taught to think of marital relations as a duty and nothing to enjoy. He would make it his purpose as a husband to prove that notion wrong. He hoped he would be able to do so.

But when would he have time to respond to Marianne's sweet letter? The morning had brought an invitation to dinner from Mrs Ferrars, and Brandon could not see a way to decline the invitation politely. Apparently, Mrs Ferrars was most curious about this man who had given her lacklustre son a living but who had somehow managed to keep his distance from the rest of the Ferrars.

The dinner had gone quite smoothly with light, polite conversation. Brandon had not seen any reason to volunteer information about Edward and Elinor beyond very simple answers to direct questions, and even regarding his own engagement he had managed to remain as brief as was polite. He could see Mrs Ferrars growing irritated by his lack of response, and not even the other dinner guests were able to satisfy her – and they were Mr and Mrs John Dashwood!

As usual, the men took to the library after dinner for a somewhat stronger drink, and by this point Brandon was already feeling the evening had not been impossibly bad, and he might just be able to slip away without any particular awkwardness. He did not mind social gatherings and company and all per se, it was just when he felt he was being put on the spot like this that he disliked deeply.

"So, Brandon, how long until the wedding now?" John Dashwood started on another topic Brandon did not really wish to talk about. He was certain John and Fanny knew exactly when, and this opener only served to lead into further inquiries of more private nature.

"Two months, Mr Dashwood," Brandon simply offered. He saw John Dashwood thinking hard about how to approach whatever it was that he really wanted to ask.

"Tell me, Mrs Ferrars and Mrs Dashwood tell me they've heard people talking…"

"Yes?" Brandon immediately regretted encouraging that fool of a man to express whatever it was he was thinking, but it was probably best if he found out the latest rumours.

"Well, there is some concern over you, a wealthy, eligible bachelor, taking on someone with no prospects or dowry. Mrs Ferrars also finds this unusual and I'm afraid she did voice some… concern, shall I say, over the nature of your relationship with my sister." Dashwood muttered his accusation, avoiding eye contact as much as possible. Surely he would have no problems with a wealthy man taking on his sister, and so it was quite clear that these "concerns" were nothing but gossip-mongering by his vulture of a wife and her mother. Brandon bit his tongue and pressed his right arm tightly at his side hoping no one noticed his fist.

"Concerns?" he simply asked, as if he did not follow the other man. Let him squirm.

"Well, Mrs Ferrars also wondered if perhaps your interest in helping Edward marry Elinor was perhaps with hopes of advancing your, erm, appeal with Marianne. The two of you had been noticed even before your engagement. I hear you frequented my Mother's residence quite a lot…" John Dashwood kept muttering, apparently oblivious to the fierce rage his allegations were stirring in the other man. For Gods sake, they had done everything as properly as could be and even to the date they had only spent a handful of moments alone with each other. These people clearly had nothing better to do than to spread scorn and malice about those less fortunate. To pick on those unfortunate enough to have registered in the wrong sectors of their delicate social pecking order.

Brandon decided he was not going to allow this to go on one moment further. This kind of talk was to stop here and now and he would make it very clear how he was going to deal with anyone trying to tarnish his Marianne. She had had more than her fair share with that scoundrel Willoughby – and these people knew the story well enough to know that it was Willoughby who lead the innocent and somewhat naïve young girl on.

"Do not say another word," Brandon simply said in a quiet voice that somehow conveyed very loudly that the conversation had been taken to a dangerous ground.

John Dashwood was taken back by this gesture of threat.

"Now look here. The girls are my sisters and as such what they do reflect upon my family as well. I think my wife and my mother-in-law are not wrong in wanting to establish whether there is any truth to these stories."

"Over here," Brandon simply pointed to a door that hopefully led to an empty room. Dashwood looked a little confused but followed the taller man all the same.

Once the door closed behind them – luckily it had been an empty extension to the library – and the rest of the men in the party were out of earshot, Brandon did not have to watch his words.

"Not another word, Mr Dashwood! Let's drop the pretence and talk man to man. I do hope you have not been hen-pecked by your wife and your mother-in-law to such extent that you are incapable of that." Brandon started. Dashwood could see the man was livid. He had heard the stories going round of Brandon beating Willoughby in a duel, never mind knowing the man was a decorated and respected officer who had seen real battle.

"I don't believe for one moment that there are any other "stories" going around than the ones Mrs Ferrars and Mrs Dashwood have conjured up, and if you wish to know something about my affairs I suggest you ask me directly like a man in your position should be capable of. And Marianne and even Elinor are very much my affairs. Marianne is the most delicate, kind and caring of women, and to find a more kind-hearted and wiser woman than your sister Elinor would be next to impossible. I am lucky enough to have the friendship of one and the heart of the other, and I will not stand idly while their good name is being sullied for no other reason than because they are the poor relations your in-laws seem to find so suitable as targets for mockery. I will not stand it. And what comes to your family's name, I think we all know why your father's second wife and your half-sisters have to eek out a living on such abominable allowance."

At no point had Brandon raised his voice, but his whole being radiated such menace John Dashwood did not dare interrupt him and took the berating like a naughty schoolboy being told off by the schoolmaster.

"Your sisters welcome you to Barton Cottage with open arms, regardless of what you and that wife of yours have put them through. Goodness knows, Marianne wants you at her wedding. You are, after all, supposed to be their brother. But let me tell you this: if I hear one more word suggesting that either Marianne or Elinor have ever behaved in a way that has not been appropriate, I will make sure you will want to find a most excellent excuse for not being able to attend to that wedding. You will NOT tarnish your own sisters' reputations for mere society laughs."

Brandon drew a deep breath to calm himself down a little. Dashwood still stood there absolutely stunned by the talking to.

"Let me make this absolutely clear, Mr Dashwood," Brandon then started again. His voice was low and quiet to the point of being soft, but his intonation carried pure ice.

"The only transgression your sisters are guilty of in this society is lack of funds, and even that is not their own doing. Their virtues, particularly Marianne's, have been questioned far more than has ever been necessary. Even when the whole Willoughby thing was going on. Your wife's family has welcomed and keeps the company of others with far more objectionable pasts than your sisters' and I will tell you only once: start behaving like the brother who is supposed to protect them. The rumours and the malice stops now, and I will hold you personally responsible. As the brother of my bride-to-be you and your wife are welcome to our wedding and welcome to visit us later on, but should there be any more of this despicable talk, I will not hesitate to withdraw that welcome."

And at that, Brandon almost slammed his now empty glass onto a nearby table, spun around on his heels and walked out with such vigour it took John Dashwood a good while before he could bring himself to move at all. He suspected he had just seen some of what made Colonel Brandon the respected officer and gentleman he was. And he had, no doubt, just seen how the man so many in is usual circles jeered at as being slow and lacking wit or presence was, in fact, rather much more of a man than John Dashwood felt this very moment.


	13. Chapter 13

On Pasts and Presents: Chapter 13

"How dare they sully her reputation like that!" Brandon thought as he returned to his town house and headed straight for his drinks cabinet. These people had learned nothing from the past. Not from Edward Ferrars and Lucy Steele, not from what happened to Marianne. Nothing! They really seemed to thrive on generating the very scandals they would then gasp at in their suffocating little circles!

Brandon wanted nothing more than to write to Marianne again – he had waited for a moment to do that the entire day – but right now he was hardly in the right frame of mind for that. How does a man write a letter to his sweet bride when the topmost feeling he has is rage on her behalf? He would not breathe a word of his conversation with John Dashwood to Marianne or any of the Dashwood ladies, and therefore he needed to calm himself down a little before he could focus properly on what he really wanted to say to Marianne in a letter. He'd have to stay in town for a few more days: his heart would simply burst if he did not communicate with her before his return.

With his drink in his hand Brandon sat down in one of his comfortable armchairs, closed his eyes and with a deep sigh leaned his head back. If he just thought of Marianne he would calm down: her scent, her lips on his, how she felt against him – oh yes, there was his haven. After a few more sips from his tumbler he was ready to compose his letter.

_My dearest Marianne,_

_I'm sorry it is so late in the day that I write and it will take well into tomorrow afternoon before you receive this letter. Today has been rather occupied with meetings and then a dinner. The meetings are nothing of interest, merely business, but you might find it interesting to hear that I was invited to dinner by Mrs Ferrars and naturally your brother John and his wife were there as well. He enquired about our wedding date (although I am sure he knew it), and I reminded him that as your family he was welcome to visit us at Delaford also after we were married. Other than that, there is very little to report, and I have to confess that my mind has not been so much in the present or on the dinner company tonight but more on your sweet letter I received last night, my dearest._

_I so worried I may have been too forward in my letter earlier, but your reply eased that worry. I do so love your candid nature and honesty in all matters. And please do not apologise for talking to your dear sister: how else would you learn if not by asking those who have more experience. From what I have gathered, your sister and Mr Ferrars have a loving relationship both in spirit and physically. Elinor will be, for certain, someone you can turn to. Please do not repeat to her that I said that, I do not think that Mr and Mrs Ferrars realise that I have perhaps seen them together when they thought no one else has been present when I have been riding through my estate! _

_Did you think of me when you lay down last night? Perhaps you heard me call you in my thoughts? Somehow, my sweet Marianne, you have turned a crummy old colonel in to great big sap as I was on my bed last night and looked at the stars thinking how perhaps you were looking at the same stars. Few more days, my dear, and I will be back. I think it is then time to have a talk about certain arrangements when it comes to your moving to Delaford. I would like for it all to be ready the moment you become my wife. _

_Consider this a kiss from a man who no longer knows how to exist without you near, my dear Marianne. You will probably not have time to reply to this letter, for I hope I shall be on my way back before a messenger would get here. I simply wish now that very soon I may place that kiss on your sweet lips in person._

_Love,_

_Christopher_

Brandon sent his man out with the letter straight away, although he knew well that the messenger would not ride until first light. All the same, he needed to feel that the letter was making its way to Marianne. Writing the letter had calmed him down and getting some sleep was not an alien prospect now. All in all, it had been better for him to storm out of the dinner party earlier than to have staid and tried to keep his temper in check. He knew many people thought he was a dull man, lacking in expression, but he had seen enough of the world and the people in it to have encountered his own temper. It would not have done to challenge John Dashwood physically tonight. The damage would have been far worse than the few surprised faces he'd seen on his way out.


	14. Chapter 14

On Pasts and Presents: Chapter 14

"He says that when he comes back we should have a talk about various arrangements for after the wedding," Marianne summarised Brandon's letter to her mother. She was not able to keep the blush from rising to her cheeks when she read the more personal parts of the letter, but she hoped she could fend her mother's curiosity off enough not to have to explain more about the letter. She'd already related to her mother about Brandon meeting John and Fanny, but never in a million years would she talk to Mother about the more intimate conversations.

"What do you think he means by that?" Marianne asked her mother.

Mrs Dashwood tried to supress her smile when she saw how flustered Marianne seemed. There was something very private in that letter, too, and her sweet daughter was the image of a woman in love.

"I would expect certain arrangements will have to be made at Delaford, dear," Mrs Dashwood suggested. Marianne looked at her mother, expecting further explanation.

"Well, things like talking to his housekeeper about how you want to run the house, sick a maid for you, decide on bed chambers and perhaps even nursery… These sorts of things."

"But – I don't really see what I can say about running the house! Christopher's ran it all this time and I'm sure his housekeeper is much more competent at it than I am." Marianne started to worry: Delaford was a big house and a big estate.

"Dearest, I'm certain you keep things going exactly as before, but it is customary for a new lady of the house to establish herself with the staff. Consider it merely a formal introduction where Brandon's housekeeper has a chance to explain to you how things are done. Try not to worry too much." Mrs Dashwood decided that she would take some time with Marianne to talk about running a big house. The girl had been preoccupied with everything else when they still lived at Norland and couldn't possibly have any idea of all the things that were involved. Elinor would be able to help as well as she had taken over so many of the duties before they left. But there was something about Brandon's letter that caught Mrs Dashwood's attention.

"Is that all he writes?" Mrs Dashwood then asked. The blush that had been disappearing by now suddenly returned and Marianne clutched the letter just a little closer to her chest.

"How do you mean, Mother?" the girl asked as innocently as possible. Mrs Dashwood tried to suppress her smile: Marianne's reaction to her question confirmed what she had suspected already regarding the more private contents of the letter. Mrs Dashwood was not going to pester the girl about that. Surely a couple was entitled to some privacy and some means of getting acquainted! No, what bothered her was the very offhand way Brandon seemed to dismiss meeting with John and Fanny. It didn't sound like Brandon: if there as nothing to say, he wouldn't say anything at all.

"I'm just a little surprised that there was nothing more about meeting with John and Fanny, not even passing on their greeting," Mrs Dashwood elaborated and saw how Marianne breathed more easily.

"That is true. Why say only that he met them at dinner and nothing more. Usually John would ask after us, at least." Marianne agreed. In her excitement with everything else in the letter she hadn't noticed Brandon's odd dismissal.

"I hope John has behaved himself. Don't repeat this outside this room, Marianne, but that Fanny certainly has less than desirable influence on your stepbrother. I may have to visit Mrs Jennings just to make sure there isn't anything else going on." For some reason Mrs Dashwood had become suspicious: Colonel Brandon was never one to gossip or spread rumors, but the way that encounter had been relayed in the letter was curt in the way Mrs Dashwood had learned to mean the good Colonel was not best pleased with something.

Her mother was clearly not going to discuss this any further, and in all honesty Marianne was very eager to read the letter again on her own. Marianne stepped into the garden to do so and to work out when she could expect her fiancé back. Her fiancé. Never mind how long they had been officially engaged, she would probably never get used to how that word made her feel. How would she feel when they were finally married?

But Christopher was right, they probably should soon need to have a talk about how everything would be arranged when they were married. She did not want to impose upon his good will, and wanted to know how often her mother and sister would be welcome at Delaford - or in his town house during season. She also wanted to talk more about Beth. She had thought about her a lot and wanted to make sure she was happy. Could Beth visit them, or how often would it be appropriate for her to visit Beth? How about schooling for the boy? There was so much to talk about and Marianne had come to think that as his wife, looking after Beth was her responsibility as much as his.

These thoughts filled Marianne's thoughts almost fully for the next few days. Her mother added to the list of things to think about and to decide by starting to talk about wedding arrangements. There was a time when Marianne had thought that her own wedding day would be something she would plan and think about with great enthusiasm. Colours, flowers, music, food – the works. Such thoughts had preoccupied her mind when Willoughby had been courting her. Now that she thought about it the celebration of marriage had almost been more important than the act itself! Since then, Marianne had realised some time ago already, she didn't mind about what the wedding was like too much. So long as she would walk down the aisle and Christopher was there to take her hand, she would be happy. To celebrate with family and friends was a lovely extra. And so she had left all the arrangements to her mother. Oh, and Mrs Jennings, who clearly could think of nothing more exciting than sorting the whole thing out.

Some days after Brandon's letter, Marianne was reading in the parlour while her Mother and Margaret were working on Margaret's French in the front room when they heard a horse. Margaret was the first to jump up and run down the path to see who it was.

"Colonel Brandon, you're back!" Marianne and Mrs Dashwood heard Margaret's excited greeting.

Marianne was surprised to see her mother grab her cloak as well as Margaret's.

"Oh I was just going to walk over to see Mrs Jennings about your wedding – and I did promise her I'd go this morning…." Mrs Dashwood muttered. Brandon had by now reached the house to be greeted by Mrs Dashwood who looked ready to step out.

"Mrs Dashwood, Miss Dashwood" he nodded to the ladies, as he always did.

"My dear Colonel Brandon, how nice to see you again. I trust your trip was successful?" Mrs Dashwood greeted him.

"Thank you, yes, I managed to arrange everything that I wanted to. But have I come at a bad time? Are you going somewhere?" he asked, looking slightly confused.

Mrs Dashwood had now shoved Margaret's cloak to the girl, gesturing almost fiercely for her to put it on and stay quiet.

"Oh, it would have been so good to hear your news, Colonel, especially about your dinner when you saw John and Fanny, but I'm afraid I have promised to go talk to Mrs Jennings about, well, the wedding and I must leave you. But Marianne will be here and I am sure that you two have so much to catch up with. Goodbye for now Colonel!" Mrs Dashwood quickly explained and before anyone had enough time to quite grasp what had happened, she was quickly making her way down the path with confused Margaret in tow.

"But we hadn't finished the French lesson…" Marianne and Brandon heard Margaret protest, clearly not aware of this promised visit to Barton at all.

Suddenly, there was no one else in the room. The Dashwood's help was clearly out of the house and the silence was deafening. Brandon found, once again, how difficult it was to breath sometimes when he was alone with Marianne.

"Christopher…" Marianne said in almost a whisper. Brandon was not able to get a single word out. All he could do was to practically leap the two steps he was away from his bride and pull her tightly against him. The weight of everything that they had said to each other in their letters was clear in their minds. It was Marianne who moved first. As much as she loved the feeling of his arms around her and being pressed so tightly against his body, she wanted more. Marianne pulled away from Brandon just enough to be able to wrap her arms around his neck and reach for his lips with hers.

The kiss seemed never to stop. Never, that is, until the pair was desperate for more air.

"I missed you," she then said when her breathing levelled some.

"As did I, Marianne," he responded, and captured her lips on his again. What else could a man want in this life if he had a girl like Marianne? Well, he could want to have her properly to himself already. Their kisses were full of heat and want. So much that Brandon could not help his body responding to her closeness.

"I'm sorry, Marianne, I cannot help myself these days – your touch alone makes my knees weak, and your embrace… Well, suffice to say your kisses make me want to take you in my carriage and find a priest for us this very moment." Brandon talked hesitantly, not looking at Marianne as if he was embarrassed.

"Dearest, I feel the same way," Marianne whispered. She could feel his reaction to her against her body, but if that was the manifestation of how his closeness made her feel, she would not hold it against him. Or, she smiled into the continuing kisses, she rather liked holding herself against him. Oh her mother had clearly planned to give them time alone today – she just wondered why. Had her mother talked to Elinor? That would be embarrassing, surely. Although, if that meant she would finally be allowed more private time with her Christopher, she would not be complaining!


	15. Chapter 15

On Pasts and Presents: Chapter 15

"I do not want to let go of you, Marianne… I so want to… touch you," Brandon whispered in to her ear when they broke free of another heated kiss their surprise privacy allowed them at Barton Cottage. Brandon had never felt so close to losing his self-control and pulled his fiancé against himself even tighter. Marianne felt his hot breath on her neck and knew he felt hers on his – did her breath on his skin make him tremble like she was trembling in his arms? She was fascinated by his scent. She'd noticed it before, but never really had time to experience it for more than a fleeting second or two. It wasn't so much anything he had added onto his skin, but a mixture of soap and something that had to be essentially him.

Being held so tight against him was, in lack of a better word, amazing. Marianne had thought that she might be somewhat shy when it would finally come to physical intimacy with the man she was going to marry, but now when that moment had presented itself so by surprise, she found herself a willing participant and could not think of anything more natural and easy than to be held by Christopher Brandon. No, it was more than just natural! It was necessary, like air. Brandon's arms were around her body and his hands were tentatively roaming along her waist and back as if wanting to travel further yet not quite daring.

Marianne's arms were around his neck now as they held each other eyes. She sunk her fingers into his hair, touched his neck and his cheek almost like this was the first time she was truly looking at him. And in a way she was: so far almost every time they were together they had to hold back: be in the same space together but not be obvious about their interest in each other. Not touch or even look too blatantly. Since their letters another veil of secrecy had disappeared from between them, she could tell. The way they now looked at each other was intimacy that somehow went even deeper than the physical sort they were so looking forward to. She revealed her whole being to him in this moment – and he revealed his.

"I… I want it too… Your touch – and to touch you as well… Everything is right in the world right now and this feels so good. Will you hold me close like this when we're finally married?" she asked, knowing his answer but longing for some more affirmation. She wanted something to hold on to other than the memory of his touch when she'd go to bed at nights, waiting for the day they'd be married. She nuzzled his neck, planting light kisses along the way as she made her way up along his chin, ultimately aiming to reach his lips again.

Brandon let out a quiet moan as he felt what she was doing. Oh, just to pick her up and carry her to her bedroom upstairs and to hell with waiting for the wedding! He pulled her to him just enough to kiss her again. It wasn't a planned move on his part, but his left hand had reached her shoulder and was now feeling its way down her arm and brushed against the side of her bosom a little more firmly than could be deemed entirely innocent. By Jove he wanted to touch her properly: have her breasts in his hands, kiss them, feel her entire body freely! The way Marianne turned him on was unlike anything he'd ever experienced!

The reality had to intervene eventually, though. Brandon realised what they were doing could not go on for long – someone was bound to come to the cottage sooner or later and despite his longing for her he would not contribute to any rumours that could sully her reputation. It had taken long enough to restore her character. He held her tightly against him, still, but broke their kiss leaning his forehead against hers, working hard to catch is breath again.

"If only I could whisk you away to Delaford and…" he sighed, then continued. "I was so worried I was getting ahead of myself when I wrote to you first from town. I was afraid that the things I said would frighten you or make you dislike me. That perhaps you would not really welcome these desires from an old fool."

Marianne's heart constricted with compassion when she realized the depths of his insecurities. For a man of such confidence he carried such a load of self-doubt with him.

"Dearest, if you don't know it yet, please listen to me now: I love you. I love you beyond being able to describe it, and every word I said in my letters was true. You make me feel things I did not know about and right now I can think of nothing more desirable than for you to take me away somewhere we can be together, just the two of us." Brandon smiled at her declaration. He looked her in the eyes and gently ran his finger along her brow and down her cheek and then over her lower lip.

"Thank God for that – I could not hold back from telling you about how you make me feel any longer. It was all bursting out." He kissed her again gently.

"I hope you don't mind that I had to talk to Elinor, I'm so excited and thrilled when I'm with you…"

"Shh… It's quite all right, my love. Admittedly, I do feel a little awkward," Brandon had to confess. " I'm afraid I've had quite a bit more time to experience this world and I do worry a little bit that I might overwhelm you with my desire for you, sweetest." He spoke so quietly and with such tenderness in his voice.

"Desire," Marianne tried out the word. She hadn't managed to get as far as identify her feelings as such but now that the word was out, she knew it was right.

"That's what I feel for you, too, my love. I didn't know before – I just had all these feelings for you and I had to talk to Elinor about it. She has always known how to help me understand things…"

Brandon found her so sweet and precious in that moment that he could do nothing but tighten his hold on her a little again. He just wanted to wrap himself around her an hold on for dear life.

"Marianne, you know I love you with everything that I am. I want you to know that I desire you in every way a man can desire a woman: as my love, my friend, companion and, yes, as a lover. Your very presence wakes me up in a way I thought was perhaps not allowed for someone like me anymore. I loathe to let go of you now, but we cannot assume we'll be left alone for much longer here. Just know that there isn't a moment when I do not think of you and when I'm not longing for our time together." His last words, now a mere whisper against her lips, were followed by one more longing yet gentle and exploring kiss that left them both breathless.

The lovers were, perhaps by choice, aware of the amount of warm-hearted giggles shared by Mrs Dashwood and Mrs Jennings at Barton itself.

"You left them on their own!" Mrs Jennings declared more than asked with eyebrows raised almost to the brim of her hat.

"Oh, I know – but I assume I can trust your discretion on this? Colonel Brandon would never d anything to compromise Marianne, and with the wedding so close I thought the young couple must be allowed a few moments by themselves or they'll both be in such state by the time they stand at that altar." Mrs Dashwood explained. It was plain as day how this couple loved each other and – frankly – even if there was any hanky-panky going on at this point, none would be the wiser, whatever the consequences. And Colonel Brandon would never take advantage of the opportunity.

Mrs Jennings showed a rare but genuine serious demeanour as she responded to Mrs Dashwood's request:

"Of course, my dear Mrs Dashwood. Both your lovely Marianne and the Colonel are as dear to me as they were my own blood – I only wish to see the two together and happy. You're absolutely right. Those two have been made to have this very long engagement while it's as plain as day that they are marrying out of genuine affection and not out of any necessity."

"But is it plain as day for everyone?" Mrs Dashwood then asked. She was still somewhat bothered by the way Brandon had relayed her step son's greetings from London in his letter.

"What do you mean?" Mrs Jennings asked. She had some idea, being privy to more gossip from town than Mrs Dashwood, but she had earlier on decided not to cause any unnecessary anguish to the poor woman if she could help it. Quiet rumours that did not reach the Dashwoods would be better left alone and they would disappear on their own accord.

"When Colonel Brandon wrote to Marianne from London he said he had been invited to dinner by Mrs Ferrars. Apparently, John and Fanny had been there as well, but there was something about the way the Colonel dismissed this meeting in his letter that bothered me. He was perfectly amicable and passed on greetings, but something was not quite right." Mrs Dashwood was still not able to put a finger on it, but something was amiss.

Mrs Jennings knew exactly what was wrong. Her daughter had heard about the dinner and had written to her straight away. She sighed.

"Oh, I do believe I can shed some light on the matter," she said with a sympathetic look on her face. Mrs Dashwood lifted her eyebrows in query: what could this be?

"I'm afraid our dear Brandon had a bit of a confrontation with John, or so I heard just the other day." Mrs Jennings started. Mrs Dashwood gasped: not another scandal, she hoped.

"I don't think this is known very widely, but someone at the dinner overheard the men: John had pushed Brandon about his relationship with Marianne and suggested they were up to more than they should. Goodness knows why he said so, but Brandon apparently took great offence and accused John and Fanny fabricating rumours for their own entertainment. Brandon had then, I hear, issued a warning to John: either he makes sure such rumours stop and starts behaving like a protective brother should, or he could expect to be cut from the wedding list and from any further events at Delaford for good. And I would not be surprised if Brandon had let his more, shall we say… physical… persuasiveness show as well."

Mrs Dashwood did not know what to say. She held her hand over her mouth, still rather shocked by this. Shocked, but at the same time increasingly pleased and proud to have this man join her family. She herself had been out of sorts with John and Fanny: the etiquette called for certain decorum in their relations and there was nothing she could do about the law and the way their inheritance had been handled. Now, Brandon had simply put her step son in his place and protected the family he was marrying into. How many times had he done so already? Elinor and Edward already owed the man everything!

"I don not think you have to worry about anything, my dear," Mrs Jennings continued.

"No?"

"No. From what I hear our dear Colonel really is held in such high esteem by most that if he is seen or heard to make a point like that, it's probably justified and the quiet power he possesses is respected by many. People rather did not cross him if they know what is good for them. The man is war hero and a gentleman of the highest order, and that matters. And I also hear that John Dashwood has been heard to praise Marianne and the Colonel for being an excellent match in temperament and outlook, making sure everyone knows how happy he is with his step sister's future happiness."

The ladies pondered upon this information by sharing a long look that said "fancy that!" After a moment the room was full of laughter again when an image of Brandon wielding his full presence at spineless John Dashwood was form in the ladies' minds. There really was little need to state how deserving John was of such confrontation and being put in his place. For a moment Mrs Dashwood had to wonder if her dear late husband ever really saw how his only son had turned out. It was sad that John was not the man his father had tried to bring him up to be, but it did not mean Mrs Dashwood was going to indulge her step son in his behaviour any further: John made his own decisions and now Mrs Dashwood felt she had some protection at her side in the form of Colonel Brandon. John would receive another talking to from her if she caught one whiff of either him or Fanny aiming to do disservice to herself or her girls.

From there on life moved on at a pleasant pace with Mrs Dashwood's days filled with wedding preparations (together with Mrs Jennings, of course) and Colonel Brandon visiting the cottage so often he was almost a permanent fixture there. A fortnight ahead of the wedding Brandon invited Marianne, Mrs Dashwood and young Margaret to Delaford once more so that household matters could be discussed. Marianne had talked to Elinor but was still somewhat daunted by the prospect of being responsible for such a massive household. Little by little, through introducing Marianne to his staff and to the house, Brandon managed to alleviate these fears and his bride seemed to become more confident: she did not have to know everything to the last detail immediately and Brandon's housekeeper was there to help her with everything.

Mrs Dashwood made sure to give the young couple time alone here and there before the wedding. She could see the tension and attraction: it was not unlike what she and Mr Dashwood had been lucky to experience when they had been courting. And finally, a day before the wedding despite all of Marianne's nervous giddiness, Mrs Dashwood was certain it would all go well and the couple would not be too overwhelmed. Colonel Brandon seemed to have been on to Mrs Dashwood's agenda, as on the morning of the day before the wedding he had come to the cottage and asked to see Mrs Dashwood.

Margaret had seen him approach the cottage and had dashed out to warn him off: he was not to see the bride! Brandon had promised not to set foot inside if Margaret would go and get her mother.

"Mrs Dashwood…" he started.

"My dear Colonel, what brings you here this morning – I trust everything is all right?" Mrs Dashwood asked with a hint of worry in her voice. There had been no matters that she knew of that would require the Colonel to stop by this morning.

"Please, do not worry, everything is fine. Everything is perfect, and I am a restless man waiting for tomorrow," Brandon said quietly, flashing his soon to be mother-in-law one of his quiet, shy smiles. He then pulled a small box out of his coat pocket.

"I came to express my gratitude to you, Mrs Dashwood. For everything that you have done and been and how you have accepted me as Marianne's suitor. And for your consideration in the past weeks," he explained, tentatively looking at Mrs Dashwood in the eye. The exchange communicated more than the words, and Mrs Dashwood knew exactly what consideration he was speaking of. Brandon offered her the box, which she took. It was a surprise, in deed. A present for her? She opened her gift to find inside a beautifully decorated gold locket. She opened it hesitantly and what she saw brought tears to her eyes: on one half she found a miniature of Marianne as a baby (how had Brandon managed to take the original to be copied?) and on the other there was a miniature of Marianne as she was now.

"I've come to claim your daughter as my wife, but just as she is with you in these pictures on your heart, she is not lost to you but I know that you are in her heart as well. Please know that by accepting me in your family as your son-in-law, you are now my family as well." Brandon's voice was low and sincere and his gesture brought tears to Mrs Dashwood's eyes. This man had seen what she had kept hidden from everyone: as important it was to have her girls married, it was always at a cost to her. She was not able to form words, but reached her hand out to his to squeeze it in appreciation. Brandon took it, then lifted it to his lips and then quietly turned on his heels and walked away. Everything was in order now for tomorrow.


End file.
